Developing agency and the ability to achieve goals.
I
Sara has been overweight for as long as she can remember. Her parents both had unhealthy lifestyles that they passed down to her: family meals were generally takeout, activities included watching television or playing board games, and they never encouraged or necessitated any type of active outdoor activities. But now it's been getting to her. She's limited on activities she can do with her friends, got passed up for a promotion at work, and has had an unsuccessful dating life.
Suddenly she decides she's had enough. She purchases a scale, takes a picture in her underwear, and begins to read up on how to lose weight. The process is arduous at first. She's never learned to deal with hunger, instead always choosing to silence it with a snack. But she trusts the process and commits to it for 90 days.
Her weight begins to steadily decrease. A month in in the scale reads a whole 10 pounds less than it initially did; two months in she notices her clothes are loose; three months in she begins getting attention from men in her life; four months in she retakes the underwear picture and can see the drastic difference in her body's appearance.
II
Harry has been overweight for as long as he can remember. His parents both had unhealthy lifestyles that they passed down to him: family meals were generally takeout, activities included watching television or playing board games, and they never encouraged or necessitated any type of active outdoor activities. But now it's been getting to him. He's limited on activities he can do with his friends, got passed up for a promotion at work, and has had an unsuccessful dating life.
Suddenly he decides he's had enough. He purchases a scale, takes a picture in his underwear, and begins to read up on how to lose weight. The process is arduous at first.
And continues to be difficult for the next week until he quits after chalking the lack of progress up to his blank-o-morphic body, which according to leading internet researchers, isn't conducive to losing weight. Harry remains overweight for the rest of his life, never considering the fact that progress was just over the next hill.
III
Tyrone has always been unsuccessful with women, much to his chagrin. He chalks it up to bad genetics, lack of opportunity (he studied and now works in a niche tech field where the man:woman ratio is >10:1), and his conservative upbringing. But he notices colleagues who seem to be in the same positions genetically/opportunistically/upbringing-ly having success in the dating world. He takes a long hard look at himself and his situation and mindset and decides to change it. (I will avoid specific details as there may be some amount of controversy, but the idea is there.)
After a few months of working on his appearance and life, he catches his first break when a woman approaches him. A month later, he catches another woman stealing some glances at him. Three months later he has overcome his approach anxiety and regularly introduces himself to women while out and about. Six months later and he's now in a steady relationship with a girl he considered out of his league months ago and hasn't questioned his worth since.
IV
Marion has always been unsuccessful with men, much to her chagrin. She chalks it up to bad genetics, lack of opportunity (she studied and now works in a niche field where the man:woman ratio is <1:10), and her conservative upbringing. But she notices colleagues who seem to be in the same positions genetically/opportunistically/upbringing-ly having success in the dating world. She takes a long hard look at herself and her situation and mindset and decides to change it.
After a few months of working on her appearance and life, she still hasn't had any luck. Most of the dates have been subpar. Shouldn't they, the men, be bending over backwards for her, the woman? Were my girlfriends not right about this? Instead of investigating the failure modes, motivation is lost and Marion goes back to being single, where she lives out the rest of her life.
V
Tim, a high school senior about to graduate, is lost in life. He has little ambition towards most things in life and spends most of his free time by himself playing video games or browsing the internet. Propagan...an advertisement by the U.S. Army piques his interest, and seeing no other better option in life, enlists. He begins a lowly private, but finds his niche quickly, eventually obtaining his Ranger Tab and becoming an NCO. After getting discharged, Tim obtains a comfortable job in the private sector using his leadership credentials from the military while also getting into a top 10 university, paid for by the government itself.
VI
Alice, a recent high school graduate, is lost in life. She has little ambition towards most things in life and spends most of her free time browsing social media and going out to restaurants or events. An advertisement for a fashion-related job pops up on her feed one day, so she haphazardly applies, despite being somewhat excited about the prospects. Rejected. Another one comes up a few days later. Another application rejected. The exact. Same. Thing. Four days later. What gives? Who cares. She goes back to working her dead-end job and doing the same dead-end activities she did in high school, not stopping to consider that putting some effort into the application may have yielded better results.
VII
Mrs. Scarlini has always been fascinated by foreign cultures, especially that of Germany. The language beautiful, the geography astonishing, and the history rich. But she is a typical American, having never left the States and only speaking English. The call of Deutschland is too strong, and she decides to go out on a limb and move to Germany.
She arrives with no friends, no language skills (besides a German-English dictionary and some A1-level conversation skills), and no idea what she will do given her meager savings. She immediately begins immersing herself in Germany: all English sources are promptly refused or turned off, she meets natives, the news is ravenously consumed. Months pass by in a flurry and conversations have become noticeably easier and she feels much more comfortable in this no-longer-strange land. Her one year celebration is attended by her large friend group and they sing songs in German and eat bratwurst and drink warm beer (just kidding!). Her formerly-regular feelings of homesickness haven't been experienced in many months and she often forgets this isn't her birthplace.
VIII
Arnold has always been fascinated by foreign cultures, especially that of Japan. The language beautiful, the culture so different. But he is a typical American, never having left the States and only speaking English. The call of Japan is strong, but he is risk-averse, so he starts by learning Japanese in hopes of getting a feel for what it would be like over there. It's incredibly difficult: the writing systems, the grammar and sentence structures, the different formalities of words. He starts out at an enthusiastic two hours of dedicated study every day, not including the anime, but the tank soon runs dry, and he peters out to 30 minutes a day. Then one day he forgets to study. The next day he rationalizes intentionally skipping because of a long day at work. The following day he moves the book to the shelf to make room on his desk, putting the final nail in the Japanese coffin.
IX
Mr. Rabinowitz and his wife, Mrs. Pearlman, have always dreamed of living in the Caribbean, where the winters aren't so harsh and the waters are actually swimmable year-round. They excitedly discuss these plans à la Requiem for a Dream, never taking action but always talking about doing so. After a couple of years and little excitement in life, Mr. Rabinowitz turns to Mrs. Pearlman and says with a solemn expression, "Let's do it. Let's move to paradise." Mrs. Pearlman knows Mr. Rabinowitz well enough to know he's serious this time, that's it's not one of his late night musings of saying fuck you to his boss, quitting on the spot, and living out of a backpack for the next few years. She agrees and they get to planning.
The house will first be sold around year five. They'll move into an apartment for the five years after, keeping expenses low and the goal in mind. At year ten, the car will be sold along with any non-sentimental and unnecessary items. Two one-way plane tickets to St. Thomas will be used to keep them in the paradise they're going to imprison themselves in.
15 years after that fateful statement, business is booming and life couldn't be better. They've owned their catamaran, The Agency Express, for just over 14 years and have been running week-long excursions out of it for 13. E&E Ventures is one of the more profitable touring services in the Virgin Islands—U.S. and British—known for their hospitality, friendliness, and knowledge of everything local, from food and drink to diving to sightseeing. They reminisce on the fond memories of the States and the life they once had there, but nothing, and they mean nothing, compares to the island life they're living now.
X
Malin and her husband, Tappy, dream of opening their own business. They have the model, the location, the interior design, the product, everything down to the finest detail. They daydream about it regularly while at their 9-5 jobs, but the entry cost is just too high to justify at the time. They wait. And wait. And wait. New expenses in the form of hobbies and interests come along and with them justifications for why opening the business is a bad idea: it's too risky, others are already in the space, yada yada. Years go by, then decades, and finally, on a gloomy afternoon not a couple weeks after both of their 90th birthdays, they turn to each other a say, "I wish we had started the business when we had the chance."
The opportunity was there. The money was ample. The time, while scarce and busy with work and life and each other, could have been found. They just chose not to take it out.
There are a few important themes in the above stories.
First, the idea that "I can or can't do this" is often the deciding factor as to whether or not a goal is accomplished. Rarely does one think "I can't do this" and end up succeeding and rarely does one think "I can't do this" and even attempt. The loftier the goal, the more mental strength required, and the emphasis everyone—regardless of discipline—places on mental strength and resilience is well-deserved. Mr. Rabinowitz and Mrs. Pearlman decided they can move to their dream destination. There was nothing stopping them besides proper preparation and a willingness to pull the trigger. Harry decided he can't lose weight for various reasons.
There are two sides to the cans and can'ts: the possibility on a world level and on a personal level. The world level requires the goal being a physical possibility. Luck, fortune, and resources don't necessarily matter. This is purely a pragmatic decision that shouldn't take into account ambition. If goals are chosen correctly, a vast majority, if not all, should satisfy the world level because goals should be both achievable and reasonable.
The personal level is where the grit and discipline to carry out the actions needed to achieve the goal are required. The world level must be satisfied before the personal level is, but the personal level is often the main obstacle. Some amount of grit must be developed before embarking towards more ambitious goals; this prerequisite level can be fulfilled through smaller achievements.
Second, the plunge into actually starting towards the goal. Even after deciding whether or not the personal level is possible, there's still the decision to be made about actually attempting to go through with it. Reasons to not may include:
Asking these questions and answering both fully and truthfully can reveal underlying hesitations or issues that weren't considered before.
The decision to start effectively comes down to how important the goal is. Opportunity cost, discomfort, and fear and cost of failure all become background noise and irrelevant if the importance is high enough.
Third, commitment and trusting of the process. Sara kept on her weight loss path for 90 days; Tyrone worked on his life for months; Tim stayed in his career for years before transitioning on; Mrs. Scarlini dove in and gave her full effort; Mr. Rabinowitz and Mrs. Pearlman uprooted their life for their dream. Strong agency requires committing to a goal, doing what's needed, and trusting that the process will work even when progress is slow or not apparent. Trusting does not necessarily mean not questioning—regular reviews and attempts to improve upon the process are always welcome, but there are often tried and true methods that work for the general population that should be trusted.
Appreciate the fact that most goals are achievable. Weight can be lost, careers can be progressed, and businesses can be built. (Yes, luck absolutely plays a role, but that's not to be discussed here.) By definition, the personal level is satisfied. From here, a mindset of "I can do this" should be instilled and subsequently developed through achieving progressively more difficult goals. Competence breeds confidence, further reinforcing the "I can do this" mindset.
Write down any apprehensions that prevent getting over the initial difficulty of starting, then assess if they are reasonable, and if so, what can be done to alleviate or mitigate them. Is there a physical cost, monetary or bodily? Is there a mental cost?
Starting is often the most difficult part of a process. Reaching "working speed" and developing momentum helps to keep output up and prevent slowing down.
Trust the process. Abide by it and tweak it as needed, but unless it gives a reason not to trust it, do not stray too far from its path.
Ask for things. Ask for things that feel unreasonable, to make sure your intuitions about what’s reasonable are accurate (of course, try not to be a jerk in the process). If you’re only asking for things you get, you’re not aiming high enough.
Most subject matter is learnable, even stuff that seems really hard. But beyond that, many (most?) traits that people treat as fixed are actually quite malleable if you (1) believe they are and (2) put the same kind of work into learning them as you would anything else.
Increase your surface area for luck ... What I discovered by casting a wide net was that I have very little ability to predict how useful a call will be in advance. Relevance is easier to predict, but it’s not a very good proxy for usefulness, which is a product of lots of other things including the other person’s enthusiasm and the breadth of their interests.
Learn to love the moat of low status ... The idea is that making changes in your life, especially when learning new skill sets, requires you to cross a moat of low status, a period of time where you are actually bad at the thing or fail to know things that are obvious to other people.